Living in Pain

Migraine by Oliver Sacks is a wonderful book if you're a migraineur. It's descriptive and informative as well. Reading the case files in there makes you realize you are not alone and that there are other people who are suffering more than you do (not that it's a good thing).

I've had migraine for almost 20 years now. It started when I was 15, as far as I can remember. Migraine has triggers; emotional and physiological. My first attack that I can be sure of (when I was 15) was triggered by emotional stress.

I've learned to cope with the pain. I've accepted that I'll have the pain till I die or until the pain kills me. I tried acupuncture, I know all my triggers so I avoid them (like alcohol, strong scent etc.) I take medicine at the onset of the attack cuz it is easier for the medicine to work (only takes a few minutes for the pain to subside) unlike in a full blown migraine attack where I'll have to wait for 1 to 2 hours for the pain to subside (note: subside, not go away - it comes back when the meds wear off).

I've tried several medications given by the doctors here. I don’t trust Korean doctors that much that's why I check my prescriptions online. Korean doctors are very dismissive of their patients. They have this "don’t-ask" mentality. It might have something to do with the Confucian society they are so used to. I hate it. I ask what, why, and everything else. I'm always given the silent treatment. Anyways, most pills don’t work with me. Triptans, beta blockers give me a heart-attack-like side effect. Others make me nauseous. Tylenol (given alongside other meds) gives me rebound headaches.

This morning I went to the hospital again for check up. I've had a headache/mild migraine for over a week now which prompted me to go to the hospital. I've been told to do so since I have severe migraine; I'm prone or at least likely to suffer from brain aneurysm. So anyways, since the headache started, I kept a headache diary cuz this time it felt different. Also it wasn't relieved by sleep. I could literally feel the pain even when I'm sleeping. Which begs the question; what kind of sleep was that if I was conscious of the pain the whole time? Anyways, most of my attacks go away when I sleep or at least subside while I sleep. This time it didn’t. There was also a lump near my ear, just above my neck/skull area and it was painful to the touch. I didn’t bump my head or anything which made it unusual (for me, at least).

So, off to the hospital... The doctor started with "How's your headache? Still the same?" I took out my journal, told him about the pain in details. He had a diagnosis for me even before I finished talking. He asked me if I'm stressed, I said no (I'm not sure if I am). He said I need to have an injection. I have neuralgia. "Injection? To my skull?" I was ready to protest and ran away then he said "Just in the nerves". My next stupid question naturally was if it was painful. He said no, the needle is very thin, will sting just a bit when the drug goes into the nerves. As I said earlier, my question was stupid because naturally it hurts. A lot! F**ing thing hurts like hell! Imagine having a needle inserted into your nerves, in your head. And since it's the nerves, a slight mistake could make you a vegetable or something. Maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe not. He said he’s gonna prescribe some medicine for me. Told him I don’t need any triptans cuz it doesn’t work for me. He looked taken aback. Koreans don’t tell their doctors no, as far as I know. So anyways, he said it’s just painkillers. I didn’t buy the meds. I’m still trying to understand what it’s for when I already had a shot in my nerves. Or was it for the inflammation?

I have a schedule for MRI on Saturday night. I’m curious to find out what $500 worth of test would result to.